“37 Things I Wish I’d Known Before My Divorce” is a fantastic resource that I recommend to anyone who is considering, going through, or healing from a divorce. Mother-daughter co-authors Francine Baras and Nicole B. Feuer joined me on my radio show to discuss divorce – sometimes referred to as “uncoupling”- and how to do it well. As co-founders of Start Over Smart: Divorce Advisors LLC, they had a wealth of information to share.
Less people are getting married, but for those that do, the often-quoted fifty percent divorce rate remains steady. This indicates that even as the stigma fades, divorce will continue to happen. It appears that the profound complexities of life-long coupling will ensure that a large portion of marriages will end in divorce. So, the question becomes: how do we divorce well?
According to our experts, the average period between the initial thought and the actual filing of divorce is eight years. According to Ms. Baras and Ms. Feuer, this delay is largely fear-based. People are afraid of being alone, of financial independence, and of damaging their children. Our experts empower their clients with the knowledge they need to understand, envision, and accomplish a comfortable post-divorce lifestyle.
Divorce is devastating, even for the partner who initiates it. No one enters a marriage thinking that it will end, and it is practically impossible to go through the process without experiencing acrimonious feelings. Ms. Feuer and Ms. Baras help their clients separate these feelings from the extremely important decision-making process embedded in the legal divorce process. It is extremely important to remember that divorce establishes a new way of life that affects the entire family forever. It needs to be as carefully considered as the marriage itself – if not more so. Many people want to get it over with as soon as possible because it is so painful, but our experts advise that you do not run to an attorney. Once you make that call, you are following a path laid out for you with little understanding of where that path will lead. Instead, use the immense resources available to educate yourself, and do not rush. If you have children, your ex-spouse will be part of your life forever, so do all you can to support each other during this immensely difficult time. Communicate as much as possible, and apologize when you fly off the handle- both to your spouse and to your kids. This will help your family remain a team that can transition peacefully.
A peaceful transition rarely occurs in isolation. There is no reason to go it alone when there are so many resources available! Www.sosdivorceadvisers.com is a great place to start. Our experts also highly recommend support groups- not just during the process, but in the following years, when much of the emotional processing happens.
Divorce is not the best option for everyone. Our experts agree that couples should try their hardest to save the marriage, as statistics continuously illuminate the trauma associated with divorce. However, Ms. Feuer read a study that persuaded her to pursue her own divorce, which found that children raised in conflict zones are far worse off than those raised in peaceful separations. One thing is clear: a divorce process that worsens the conflict won’t benefit anyone! A peaceful separation is difficult to accomplish, but it’s the only kind worth pursuing.Posted in Blog Talk Radio | Tagged 37 Things I Wish I’d Known Before My Divorce, divorce, Dr. Annie Abram, Francine Baras, marriage, Nicole B. Feuer, SOS Divorce Advisers | Leave a comment
Can you define biometrics, cyber security, and petro engineering? I couldn’t. And guess what? Those are three of the hottest ten college majors in the country right now. The college admissions process can be extremely baffling and stressful. How the heck do we guide our children through a process that has changed so drastically since we ourselves went through it?
To de-mystify the college admissions process, Sheryl Santiago – Independent educational consultant and owner of Coll-Edge Partners, LLC – joined me on my radio show last week, with a wealth of information to share with us.
First of all, she addressed that perplexing list of majors I just referenced. College counselors talk a lot about STEM: science, technology, engineering, and math. These majors are the most likely to lead to employment, and they are training students for jobs that don’t even exist yet!
Well then how do we help our children decide which of the 2,000 accredited colleges in the US to pursue? Many parents get caught up in the prestige of certain institutions, particularly their own alma maters. According to Ms. Santiago, the name on your bumper sticker hardly matters; what your child accomplishes at school is the most important thing. “The Best College” for your child is where your child will thrive. So cast a wide net. Research lesser known institutions and be as attuned as possible to what your child wants. What are their strengths and passions? Which campuses did they like the best? Many parents get frustrated by their child’s seemingly arbitrary preferences, but Ms. Santiago reminds us that these preferences are often intangible: students will have a “gut feeling” one way or the other. Listen to your child! This is their experience, not yours.
Ms. Santiago does not recommend applying early decision. In her opinion, a student that is accepted early would probably have also been accepted via the regular admission process. The only difference is that the student who applied early has promised to attend, so they don’t have options, which are particularly important from a financial standpoint. Ms. Santiago has sometimes doubled the gift aid offered by leveraging one institution against another. The prices intitially presented are not set in stone, especially for institutions that are well-endowed. This cycles back to Ms. Santiago’s first piece of advice. If you are realistic about your child’s academic ability and apply to colleges where they will be at the top of the list, they are likely to receive the most gift aid.
For those students who are unsure about their next step and don’t have a competitive transcript out of high school, community college is an incredible option. You can demonstrate your ability as a college student, then transfer to your dream school: transfer rates are much higher than initial acceptance rates. Not to mention the thousands of dollars you’ve saved to acquire the same degree!
The bottom line: have realistic expectations, and stay attuned to your child. This is their decision.Posted in Blog Talk Radio | Tagged Ask Dr. Annie Abram, College Admissions Process, College Counselors, Sheryl Santiago of Coll-Edge Partners LLC | Leave a comment
Many in our nation are heartbroken and enraged at the killing of Michael Brown, the unarmed 18 year old black youth who was shot to death in Ferguson, MO by a white police officer.
Unfortunately, according to Dr. George Yancy, this week’s guest on my blogtalk radio show, this tragedy will occur again, and again, and again. Young, innocent, black males like Michael Brown and Trayvon Martin – (whom Dr. Yancy and I discussed on my show over a year ago) – will continue to die until American society confronts its systemic racism.
We have a long road to walk. Dr. Yancy is a profoundly accomplished scholar on the critical philosophy of race with a PhD from Duquesne University as well as M.A’s from Yale and NYU; according to him, racism is embedded in our culture in a way that the majority of our white citizenry does not – and perhaps cannot – perceive. Many of us view the Michael Brown case as an isolated moment, an aberrant incident rather than a symptom of systemic violence. After all, we elected a black President, didn’t we? We are all saddened by this child’s death, aren’t we? And what if it was an honest mistake? There is video evidence of Michael Brown potentially shoplifting…
Dr. Yancy gives us the ideas and language needed to debunk the above reasoning, but it can be difficult to digest. First of all, the idea that Michael Brown’s killing is linked to potential shoplifting illustrates what Dr. Yancy calls the “niggerization” of the black body. Only a society that views the black body as sub-human, as an automatic and hyper-aggressive threat, could even entertain the justification of a child’s killing with petty thievery. But can we go so far as to say that mainstream, American society dehumanizes black people? Do we truly approach all black bodies with unnecessary aggression? Dr. Yancy gave us some historical and psychological context to process this.
We all know about slavery of course. But have you ever heard of Mary Turner, a pregnant black woman who identified her husband’s lynchers in 1918? She was tied to a tree, upside down, and burned to death. Her stomach was sliced open and, when the fetus fell to the ground, a white man smashed its skull with his boot. What about Claude Neal who, in 1932, was accused of rape? He had his genitals removed and stuffed in his mouth, was made to say he enjoyed it, and then his fingers were cut off and he was burned all over with a hot iron. Let’s use some modern examples: in 1999, Amaduo Diallo was shot 41 times while reaching for his wallet; Jordan Davis was shot for listening to music – in 2012. Trayvon Martin and Michael Brown are victims of the continuous brutality toward African Americans by white people in power. White racism is a fact. And it asserts itself even in our most basic neurological patterning.
Ever heard of neuronal mirroring? Dr. Yancy referenced studies done with MRI machines that recorded the activity of mirror neurons. If a human (or a monkey) observes another human performing an activity, her mirror neurons will fire in a way that mimics the brain of the person performing the activity. When white people were hooked up to the machine and shown a black person performing a task, no mirror neurons fired: it was as if the person was staring at a blank wall.
If you are interested in learning more, Dr. Yancy recommends a few of his books. One that profoundly affected me was: Black Bodies, White Gazes. There’s also: “Look, a White!”: Philosophical Essays on Whiteness and Pursuing Trayvon Martin: Exploring Race in Predominantly White Classrooms, which Dr. Yancy edited with his colleague Janine Jones. Dr. Yancy also invites us to email him at: email@example.com .Posted in Blog Talk Radio | Tagged Amaduo Diallo, black body, black people, Claude Neal, Dr. Annie Abram, Dr. George Yancy, Jordan Davis, Mary Turner, Michael Brown, Trayvon Martin | Leave a comment
Everyone is looking for their tribe.
Programs for academically gifted students do exist, but they are ancillary, at most. Ms. Gallagher’s daughter, for example, is pulled out of class for a few hours a week to receive special instruction. According to her mother, she lives for those hours– so much in fact, that Ms. Gallagher cannot move out of her town for fear that her daughter will lose this crucial intellectual nourishment. As for the rest of the week, Ms. Gallagher admits that it is challenging for her daughter to feel engaged. It is hard for her to take instruction from a teacher whose spelling skills are not up to par with than her own. She feels frustrated when the teacher gives her piles of extra work instead of offering her more interesting and in-depth material.
This is not an unusual problem. Many teachers and parents who are not academically gifted them selves have a difficult time understanding what these children need and how to communicate with them. Even institutions who claim to cater to gifted children often miss the point: Ms. Gallagher sent her daughter to a summer camp for “gifted children” which turned out to be no more than a middle school curriculum served to eight year olds. Gifted children do not just need more advanced material. They need teachers who will assist them in carving out an individualized learning path that nurtures and challenges them. This is not an easy thing to do – it certainly requires specialized training – but this issue affects us all: if we cannot nurture our gifted, how will we solve our most complex problems?
We all have strengths and weaknesses. Many of us who are extraordinarily gifted in one area, struggle in another. Ms. Gallagher worries about her daughter’s ability to interact with her peers. She saw her own brothers, both of whom are academically gifted, struggle to connect with others, and so she encourages her daughter to go outside and play, even if she has to learn to play within parameters less advanced than her own. It is an important skill to meet people where they are at, and to be comfortable in many different situations. Ms. Gallagher also worries that her daughter hasn’t experienced failure, nor has she ever had to push herself. Will these patterns come back to haunt her in high school? Ms. Gallagher admits that she worries about this, and that, as a parent, she doesn’t know the answers, and takes it one step at a time. That’s all that any of us can do.
If you have a gifted child, don’t be afraid to vocalize his or her needs, and to encourage self-advocacy. All of us deserve the support we need to thrive!
For more information go to: National Association for Gifted ChildrenBlog Talk Radio | Tagged Dr. Annie Abram, Gifted Children, Kathleen Gallagher | Leave a comment
Romantic love is no longer a mystery. Thanks to new technologies, we can see what romantic love looks like inside the brain. We can therefore learn to construct, maintain, and repair romantic relationships. For those of us who hope to enjoy lasting, healthy partnerships, –that is to say, most of us — this is a very exciting development indeed! I was thrilled to invite a distinguished expert onto my podcast show to discuss it.
Dr. Sue Johnson is the developer of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT), which has demonstrated its effectiveness in over 25 years of peer-reviewed clinical research. Dr. Johnson is also the founding Director of the International Centr for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy, a distinguished research professor, and the author of many books, including the best-seller Hold Me Tight, Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, a self-help version of her groundbreaking research.
My discussion with Dr. Johnson was so rich that it is hard to know where to begin. Perhaps the most important takeaway from our discussion was the importance of emotional support and responsiveness: it is the very essence of a secure bond. But in our society, we have developed this idea that adulthood equals independence. Self-reliance is a strength, while needing others is considered a sign of weakness. To illustrate this misperception, Dr. Johnson brought up the often misquoted Darwinian principal: “Survival of the fittest.” Darwin never actually said that. And if you look at the research, you discover that those who perform the best are those that are most nurtured. People who enjoy deep, trusting relationships live longer, healthier lives. To illustrate this point, Dr. Johnson cited one study of people who were in the vicinity of the World Trade Centers on September 11th, 2001. Eighteen months later, those who reported having at least one person to turn to for comfort were doing quite well. Those without that bond were much worse off: many battled depression, PTSD, and other trauma-related difficulties. According to the research, solitude does not equal strength- quite the opposite. Those who can be vulnerable with their loved ones are more resilient and live happier lives.
So how does this translate to a specific therapy “method” for couples? Well, according to Dr. Johnson, she can predict the outcome of a relationship with one very simple question: can they have the “hold me tight” conversation? If they can, they will fight less, feel happier, and develop the ability to really reach each other, which will sustain their relationship over the long term.
Okay, so what exactly is the “hold me tight” conversation? Well, as an example, let’s use a classic disconnect pattern that Dr. Johnson sees a lot. One partner is angry, which makes another partner withdraw, which of course makes the first partner angrier, which in turn makes the second withdraw further. Usually the one who is screaming the loudest – about childrearing, sex, career or whatever – is really screaming about the fact that she feels disconnected and alone. She cannot tell if her partner cares about her anymore, so she gets angry and yells. When she yells, her partner feels criticized. The criticized person feels pain and moves away. (Fact: when you are criticized by someone you love, it is processed in your brain in the same place that physical pain is processed). And so the cycle continues.
In EST therapy, the therapist does not offer advice or pry into personal histories. Instead, the therapist helps each partner identify how he or she feels and what he or she needs. This process takes weeks, not years, but it can be surprisingly difficult to express to your partner exactly what you need. Our culture has taught us to feel such shame about it. But, if the couple can learn to look at each other and say something like: “I see that I got angry, and I see that you were shattered by that. What I need is reassurance. I’m scared that you don’t love me anymore, that you didn’t choose me, that I don’t matter to you. I need you to reassure me.” If a couple can do that, their brains will physically respond.
To really drive this point home, Dr. Johnson described an amazing study that she did using MRI technology: When a person in a distressed relationship was told that he would be shocked on the ankle, his brain lit up with agitation, and he was likely to report experiencing pain when he was shocked. (This was true whether he was alone, holding the hand of a stranger, or holding his partner’s hand). When someone in a secure relationship was presented with this same scenario, while holding their partner’s hand, his brain did not light up at all! And after the shock, he reported feeling no pain – merely discomfort.
Bottom line: safe, emotional bonding is the best recipe for physical and emotional happiness. If society could recognize vulnerability as a strength and encourage deep, emotional bonding, just imagine the kind of world we could create!
For those interested in exploring EFT, there is much information to be found on Dr. Johnson’s website: Www.drsuejohnson.comPosted in Blog Talk Radio | Tagged Dr. Annie Abram, Dr. Sue Johnson, Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT), Hold Me Tight, Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, What is Love? | Leave a comment
Learning Disabilities, unlike physical ones, can be very difficult to spot. A child whot experiences excruciating difficulty when learning to read will often appear “normal” in every other way. In the past, this child might have been called stupid or lazy by his teacher, his peers, even his family. But thanks to new technologies, we are experiencing a revolution in the way we understand LD’s. We now have neuroimaging that proves what this ostracized child has always experienced: he doesn’t read the way most of his friends do. When he reads, his brain works in a completely different way.
This new research has affected educators on all levels. To talk to us about these exciting developments, Ben Powers joined us on my podcast. Mr. Powers is the headmaster of Eagle Hill-Southport, an independent day school in Connecticut for students with learning disabilities. Prior to joining the school in 2012, he served as headmaster of The Kildonan School. He is a passionate member of and advocate in the field of dyslexia and language-based learning disabilities and ADD/ADHD and is on the board of directors of Headstrong Nation and Smart Kids with Learning Disabilities.
Mr. Powers was quick to trace the origins of this revolution back to Dr. Samuel Orton, who was the first to study learning disabilities about one hundred years ago. He worked with a pyschologist named Anna Gillingham, who created a systematic approach to teaching through phonemes. The Orton-Gillingham approach remains a widely implemented method – one that Mr. Powers adamantly endorses. This method stimulates all senses at the same time, and breaks down langauge in a way that caters to the intelligence of kids with dyslexia and other kind of LD’s. Instead of memorizing thousands of words, students will learn that “de” means down and “cap” means head. So they can deduce – rather than recall- the meaning of the word “decapitate.”
One of the reasons that dyslexia is such a debilitating disability is that it hinders content absorption in every subject. If a student cannot decode text, they cannot access the learning materials. To prevent this scenario – and the frustration, shame, and alienation that accompanies it – Mr. Powers cited research pointing to the efficacy of early intervention. He encourages a huge focus on remediation in first and second grade, or before. The earlier teachers can identify LD’s and modify their teaching accordingly, the better off the students.
In conjunction with new teaching methods, Mr. Powers recommends the use of new technologies that allow students to absorb information in alternative ways. Students with dyslexia can read much faster with their ears than their eyes, so all students at Eagle Hill-Southport have ipads with embedded assistant technology that can dictate text and receive dictation. Students also have access to word-prediction software that the teacher can customize. Programs like Learning Ally and Bookshare allow students to download texts that they can listen to at home. The goal here, says Mr. Powers, is to empower students with LD’s to navigate the realms of higher learning. If they have the right technology, they can absorb War and Peace just as effectively as their peers.
Our discussion of technology made me take pause. I couldn’t help but share with Mr. Powers my opinion that too much screentime can be deeply debilitating for children who need to spend time connecting with others. They need to build the emotional and psychological foundations upon which all future academic progress depends. To do this, they need to get away from screens. Mr. Powers couldn’t agree more: he cited the school system in Finland, the best in the world, and how much emphasis they place on free play. Here in the United States, our focus on curriculum is spreading to younger and younger grades. On the other hand, he made the point that time spent with a pencil and a white piece of paper is not too different from time spent with an ipad. For a kid that struggles to read and write, that ipad changes everything.
Any advice for parents whose child has an LD? Absolutely! First, try to eliminate the shame and stigma that you yourself experience surrounding your child’s LD. Create or join a community of families in similar situations. Share your story. There are so many resources out there, so reach out and connect. Next, help your child do the same thing. Teach your child about her learning .profile. Encourage her to tell her story, to become a self-advocate. This will not only empower your child, but it will raise awareness in your community. With time, the alienation that used to be so common among children with LD’s will become a thing of the past..
For more information, please go to Mr Powers blog: http://dyslexictendencies.blogspot.com/ where you can find resources and description of the most up to date technologies and research in the field. Or go to the Eagle Hill Southport website: http://www.eaglehillsouthport.org/Posted in Blog Talk Radio | Tagged Ask Dr. Annie Abram, Ben Powers, Dyslexia, LD, Learning Disability | Leave a comment
Postpartum depression, (PPD), is both much more common and much more severe than many of us realize. According to Postpartum Support International, 1 in 8 women suffer from PPD. Some experts think it is more like 1 in 5. To help us better understand postpartum, and to debunk some of the misinformation surrounding the illness, I invited expert Carly Snyder, M.D, onto my radio show this week. Dr. Snyder is a psychiatrist in New York City with a focus in Reproductive Psychiatry.
First off, what is postpartum depression? According to Dr. Snyder, it is a far broader phenomenon , and much more multifaceted, than originally thought. Now, the medical community uses the term perinatal mood and anxiety disorders, which encompass depression, anxiety, bipolar diroder, ODC, PTDS, and panic disorders. Many of these disorders interact and overlap – for example, 2/3 of women with depression also suffer from anxiety, and 25% of women diagnosed with PPD will eventually be diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
So how do we identify and treat women who are at risk of – or are already suffering from – perinatal mood and anxiety disorders? Because of the public misunderstanding of the illness, there are many obstacles a woman must overcome to recognize that she needs help and seek it out. Probably the largest obstacle is the shame and guilt that arise when a woman does not become the happy, glowing mother she expected to be. All women experience a great shock to their systems when they become moms. As Dr. Snyder put it, new motherhood is like jumping into freezing water that no one warned you was cold. Many women find themselves asking: Why did I do this? What was I thinking? Some women fantasize about getting rid of their baby, about running away, about somehow escaping. This experience is so very common, but rarely verbalized. I had an overwhelmingly positive experience of new motherhood, and still it took me many years to open up about the darker thoughts that went through my head at that time. Having fleeting dark thoughts is not PPD. If only we could normalize these experiences, so women would know that they are not alone, that we all experience this, we’d be in a much better position to diagnose those women suffering from PPD.
Another obstacle to diagnosing PPD is that pregnant women and brand new moms are expected to have mood swings, so a woman and her loved ones might write off her symptoms as “normal” even when she is suffering severely. Most people think that PPD occurs right after birth, but that’s not true. Symptoms occur as early as pregnancy and as late as four months or even a year after the baby is born. When women experience symptoms either earlier or later than expected, they often don’t recognize what’s happening. And, as Dr. Snyder pointed out, some women don’t seek help simply because they do not have the motivation: they are just too sick and exhausted. Some women suffer so deeply from PPD that they no longer believe that help is a possibility.
But help is out there! 85-90% of women who seek treatment for PPD get better. And there are many resources women can use to get help. You can always talk to your OBGYN, or your baby’s pediatrician: there is a growing awareness of perinatal anxiety and mood disorders in that field. Postpartum Support International, (PSI), is dedicated to helping women who suffer from mood anxiety disorders and offers a wealth of resources. There’s a hotline that ensures you will receive a call back within 24 hours. There are monthly conference calls with experts and other women, as well as a conference call for dads. PSI can connect you with a local coordinator that can help you find support and let your voice be heard. Visit their website, postpartum.net, or call 800 944 8766 to learn more.
If you are suffering from a perinatal mood or anxiety disorder, you are not alone. But social support is crucial to your and your baby’s wellbeing. As hard as it may be, try your best to reach out. A close and trusted friend is often a good way to start. But remember you need medical help as well. And for those of us with loved ones who are experiencing new motherhood, lend an ear, keep an eye out, and know that if you or your loved one is suffering, there are people waiting to help!Posted in Blog Talk Radio | Tagged Dr. Carly Snyder, Postpartum Depression, Postpartum Support International, PPD, PSI | Leave a comment
If I learned one thing during my talk radio show this week, it is that surrogacy is a deeply complex issue. It is also an extremely important one. As gay marriage sweeps the nation, gay and lesbian couples are starting families in record numbers. Overseas adoption has all but come to a halt, so more heterosexual couples are looking for alternative ways to have children. I wanted to host an expert that would be able to give us a timeline of surrogacy law and offer a nuanced perspective about its legal and philosophical implications.
Michele Zavos gave us that and more. A pioneer in the field of legal rights for the LBGT community, and a premiere representative for gay and lesbian couples who want to have children, Ms. Zavos is a partner in the Zavos Juncker Law Group, PLLC. She is also a selected member of the National Family Law Advisory Council for the National Center for Lesbian Rights and an elected Fellow of the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys and of the American Academy of Assisted Reproductive Technology Attorneys.
According to Michele, the science of pregnancy has grown exponentially over the last thirty five years, and with it, significant shift in the cultural attitude concerning surrogacy. Michele explained that there are two types of surrogacy. The traditional model, which is hardly used anymore, is when the carrier’s own DNA helps create the child (along with the sperm of a donor, the carrier’s husband, or the intended father). The newer model, termed gestational surrogacy, or gestational pregnancy, does not involve the carrier’s genetic material. Instead, a fetus is created from the genetic material of the intended parents and is implanted in the carrier’s womb.
From a legal perspective, both models of surrogacy spark an important question: who is the parent of this child? Is it the birth mother? The biological mother? The sperm donor? The couple for whom the baby is intended? Michele explained that every state has its own law concerning surrogacy: in some states, it’s a felony; in others, there’s no law at all; still others have very specific statutes concerning the practice. So, legally speaking, there really is no clear answer to this question.
We had two callers join our conversation, and both had very adamant opinions on the matter. The first caller brought up something that troubled her deeply: the child seems to have no legal choice in the matter- no right to be nurtured by the parent that brought them into this world, whether they be a sperm or egg donor, a carrier, or an adoptive parent. The caller brought up divorce law, which makes it very difficult to revoke a child’s right to remain connected to both parents. But what about adoption? Children do not have a right to choose between birth and adoptive parents. What about children raised by relatives other than birth parents? Or children raised in foster care? Ultimately, no child has the right to choose how they are raised or to whom they are born. And yet, one can see how the issue of surrogacy complicates the definition of parenthood and raises the question of a child’s right to stay connected with the people who created him or her.
It is also an extremely polarizing issue in the feminist community. We had another caller phone in who identified herself as a feminist leader with expertise in third party reproduction, who brought an international perspective to the table. She saw surrogacy as the commodification of a woman’s body, compared it to prostitution, and cited the European Parliament, which passed a resolution in 2011 banning surrogacy commodifies women’s bodies.
And yet there are other feminists that would link surrogacy to abortion and say that it is a woman’s right to choose. Surrogacy was recently banned in India, but for a long time, a woman in India who decided to be a surrogate would make enough to buy a home for her family. Should she have this right? There is also the matter of what is termed compassionate surrogacy, which is when the surrogate (usually a family member), do not ask for payment. Are they commodifying their bodies? There is no clear answer. What is clear is that the issue is complex and multifaceted; there is no one-size-fits all solution.
For anyone who is interested in surrogacy, Michele had one crucial piece of advice: consult a legal professional with extensive experience!
You can reach Ms. Zavos with any questions at: Mzavos@
June is gay pride month. To honor the LGBT community and its continuing struggle for equality, I invited Andy Humm – a long time gay rights activist – to discuss the movement on my radio show. Mr. Humm helped lead the fight for New York City’s gay rights bill that passed in 1986, thanks to the Coalition for Lesbian and Gay Rights. As director of education at the Hetrick-Martin Institute for LGBT youth, he fought to get explicit AIDS education into public schools in the 1990s. Since 1985, Mr. Humm has hosted the national, weekly television program “Gay USA.” He writes regularly for the Gay City Newsand and the Gotham Gazette. His work has also appeared in the The New York Times, The Daily News, The Post and numerous other publications
As Mr. Humm pointed out, even Orrin Hatch (Republican Senator from Utah), has publicly admitted that gay marriage will eventually pass, nation-wide. That battle has been won, but we still have a long way to go before we have truly eliminated discrimination. So what’s next?
Transgender rights have certainly gotten a lot of press lately, and Mr. Humm agreed that the gay community is an ally of this movement – (and, he hopes, of all subsequent social justice movements). Mr. Humm pointed one challenge that the transgender movement faces: how to rally its constituency. “Coming out” – for gay and lesbian folks- is a powerful way to claim one’s identity, stand in solidarity with the community, and move forward on the road toward marriage and family. Transgender people, on the other hand, do not want to be recognized as transgender; they want to be acknowledged as the new gender which they have embodied. So “coming out” is not a step that makes sense. Because of this difference, the movement will take a separate shape, but it is certainly coming along. The U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission has already ruled that the transgender community is protected under sex discrimination laws.
Another important battle that we have yet to fight is that of the homeless youth of our nation, over half of whom are LGBT. According to Mr. Humm, there are approximately 150 beds available for homeless kids in New York City – a shockingly inadequate number. In Mr. Humm’s words, we are not taking care of our kids.
Mr. Humm also reminded us that even as we are enjoying real progress here in the states – more kids than ever before are coming out in high school and are accepted by their communities – we cannot forget what is occurring on the International stage. Countries like Russia, Uganda, and Nigeria are passing draconian anti-gay laws that are supported by large majorities of their populations. It is a deeply troubling reality.
The phrase “civil rights” in connection with the LGBT movement makes some people bristle, because it is so tightly connected with “The” civil right movement of the 1960′s. Mr. Humm reminds us that there are many groups of people fighting for civil rights, and at their root, they are the same fight. As the LGBT community gains more ground than ever, we hope that it becomes a powerful ally to other marginalized groups, both globally and here at home. We all have the right to equality and to be respected in our communities regardless of differences. Anything short of this reflects a lack of humanity. As Dr. Martin Luther King wrote in his Letter from a Birmingham Jail on the 16 of April 1963: “Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.”Posted in Blog Talk Radio | Leave a comment
If you are a parent who is deeply involved in every aspect of your child’s life, including school, you are doing exactly what most parents feel obligated– even pressured – to do. But new research indicates that you may be doing more harm than good.
This week on my radio show, I was honored to have Drs. Angel Harris and Keith Robinson discuss their new book “The Broken Compass: Parental Involvement with Children’s Education.” Their research turns our traditional beliefs about the relationship between parental involvement and academic achievement right on its head: it suggests that parental involvement is not nearly as beneficial as we often assume.
When I started reading their book, I had quite a reaction to it. Their argument seemed to go against everything I’ve learned as a parent and as a therapist. In my experience, parental involvement is of the utmost importance! But then I saw the crucial distinction they make between parenting – that is, helping your child development socially and emotionally – and direct involvement in academic life. Drs. Harris and Robinson are not critiquing parents. Their work is not prescriptive; they are not providing advice as much as sparking a dialogue. Their research shows that more involvement is not always better. So it prompts us, as parents, to look at the quality of our interactions rather than the quantity.
The most important message that we as parents ought to take from this research is that there is no one-size-fits-all answer to helping your child succeed. Dr.’s Harris and Robinson monitored 60 different parental behaviors in different racial and socio-economic groups and got a wide range of results. For example, with whites, there was a positive correlation between parent’s participation in school events and academic success. For Mexican families, that correlation did not exist. This is not at all to say that Hispanic families should not join the PTO! This simply demonstrates that school systems affect some communities differently than others, so what might will help one child might hurt another.
One extremely compelling finding held up across all socio-economic backgrounds is that helping your child with her/his homework will not increase her/his achievement: in fact, it may lower it. On my radio show, we speculated as to why this is so. We discussed how we parents often lack the skills necessary to guide our children through their studies. Even if we do understand the material, we may not understand how to teach that material to our children effectively. This finding suggests that the stress that parents and children experience when battle over homework doesn’t necessarily pay off: it might strain not only on the parent-child relationship but also on the child’s ability to succeed.
Drs. Harris and Robinson measured how parents respond to a child’s poor performance by distinguishing between punitive and non-punitive reactions. Punitive reactions – taking away privileges, grounding, shaming – worsened academic performance. However, non-punitive responses – talking to the teachers, talking to the child, providing support and encouragement – increased achievement levels.
How can parents help children succeed in school? The answer is complex. It seems to be more important that we “set the stage” for our children, and then leave it. In other words, we need to provide a framework for success by sending the message that school is important. We need to help our children conceive of a future self and see how success in school builds a bridge to that future. We need to support them, through success and failure. And maybe we can leave the teaching to the teachers.